So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
