no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
