Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
