Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
