you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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