My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
