My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
