i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
