Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
