He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
