Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
