Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The uberlube is also flammable
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
