I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
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We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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