Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dignity is for republicans.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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