The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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