I'm sorry my penis didn't work
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
