I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
