Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
