Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
