Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She told me I should be a condom model.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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