so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
