I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
