I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Girls should come with a carfax report
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Randomize
