i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
