where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
