you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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