My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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