Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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