WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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