I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
