remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
