somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I need moral support for this bender
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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