Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
