I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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