i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I die, sorry about rent.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
