I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
