I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
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We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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