Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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