I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You need Xanax blowdarts
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
