i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
