"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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