i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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