My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
