Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
