Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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