the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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