I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
