hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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