i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
