I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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