Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
