My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
