I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Small penises have feelings too.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
