i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
