I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They took my balls.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
