She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
