Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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