if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
