Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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